Grace in the Wilderness

“The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness;
when Israel sought for rest, the Lord appeared from far away.”

Jeremiah 31:2-3

Before I came back to Gainesville from camp this summer, the Lord prepared me for a wilderness season. I knew there would be some wandering - some fogginess - but He promised to lead me through it. And He asked me to trust Him for each day. 

I didn’t understand that He was leading me on a journey into a deeper dependence, like the Israelites in Exodus; He was preparing to teach me about manna and shabbat. And it started at the dentist. 

If you’ve been reading my blog, you may be familiar with my relationship to the dentist. I go every six months because I have a bad track record for cavities. My next cleaning was scheduled for this week, and I was anxious because, for the first time in my life, I don’t have insurance coverage, I don’t have a consistent paycheck, and I don’t have any prospects of a full-time job on the horizon. I was going to have to pay for this dentist appointment out of pocket. 

I moved some money around in my budget and went to the dentist, and asked them to give me the bare minimum cleaning at the lowest cost. As they did my cleaning and exam, they found a potential issue that may need treatment. My heart sank - I knew I didn’t have the money at the moment to pay for a treatment. I was anxious about paying this bill, and was not prepared for another. I told them I would come back and deal with it later, knowing this was not a good long-term strategy. 

As I paid my bill for the cleaning, the receptionist told me there was a credit on my account, so the bill that day was only $14. I’d been expecting closer to $200. Instead it was fourteen dollars. I declared (out loud) in the dentist office, “Thank you Lord!” (not the first time either - He’s shown me His grace more than once in a dentist office) and paid my bill.

Walking out, I heard the Lord say, “I promised I would provide the manna for each day. That’s why I’m teaching you to live only in today. You can’t enjoy manna for tomorrow or next week. I’m asking you to trust my provision day by day.”

Yet He had so much more to teach me about manna and shabbat.

In this season, my relationship with work has changed drastically. I’ve always loved working, and I’m notorious for having a side hustle (or three...). In the past, I haven’t worked because I needed the money to pay bills - I just genuinely enjoyed doing the work and having some extra disposable income. It was a fun outlet for me. 

Now work causes me anxiety. I feel a need to be constantly working, because if I’m not working, I won’t get paid (such is the reality for hourly wage workers). So every hour that I have available, I’m finding ways to work. I’m picking up hours everywhere I could, taking babysitting jobs, working long days. It feels like work is a necessity, instead of an outlet.

Finally the pace caught up with me; I hadn’t been resting at all, and the weight of the stress, busyness, and a few days ago, the anxiety caused me to collapse, emotionally and spiritually. I crashed and burned, worn out and exhausted.

That’s exactly when the Lord drew me back to Exodus again. Exodus is my favorite book of the Bible - there is so much foreshadowing of the Gospel. I usually reread it in seasons when I need to be reminded of God's power, God's provision, God's plan, or God's promises. The story of Exodus displays all of these beautifully - and I honestly have needed a reminder of all of them lately.

The Lord led me to read Exodus 16, right after the Israelites have crossed through the Red Sea and left Egypt behind. They've been freed from slavery and are now on their way to the promised land, yet God decides to take them through the wilderness. He's taking them on a journey into deeper dependence. 

Not long after they've begun their journey, the Israelites start complaining about their hunger - they miss the food of Egypt, forgetting the slavery that they had just escaped.

So God rains down a mysterious sustenance from the sky - the Israelites say, "Manna?" asking "What is it?" It's light and sweet, and everyone eats their fill. But the Lord commands them to gather only what they need for each day. To trust in the provision each morning.

Except for the sixth day. The Lord commands them, "You must gather food for six days, but on the seventh day, the day of rest, there will be none" (v.26). The Lord gives them enough for two days, and in this way, God establishes the Sabbath as holy.

In the wilderness, the Lord gives His chosen people two forms of sustenance: the manna would be their physical sustenance; the shabbat would be their spiritual sustenance.

As I read that familiar passage, the Lord showed me the relationship between gathering manna and keeping shabbat. I noticed that the first time we ever see the word “Sabbath” is in Exodus 16 - and God established it as holy even before He even declared it as the fourth of the Ten Commandments.

God showed me that just as I can trust in His daily provision of manna, I must also trust in His weekly provision of shabbat. I must trust enough in the daily manna that I can believe shabbat is true and possible. It is a true act of faith, to shabbat, stop, cease, rest. It is faith that God will sustain you with manna beyond what you are capable of gathering for yourself. But shabbat is also the only thing that will nourish your spirit. This is the deep lesson I am learning.

As I reflected on all this in a true act of shabbat, I wrote the poem/prayer below. I hope it allows you to meditate and reflect as well. I pray that you will trust in His manna and His shabbat - it will nourish your body and soul. 

It was in the wilderness that God first established the Sabbath.

He provides manna for the Israelites and says to gather only for each day,
except on the sixth day each week, to gather extra, for the Sabbath to be kept holy.

In the wilderness, he gave them Sabbath.
Rest.

I have forgotten, Lord, that my true rest is in you.
I have forgotten that life and joy come from you, Jesus.

I have forgotten what it feels like to rest in your goodness, 
to carelessly and wastefully enjoy your grace and your presence.

I have been toiling while I serve a God who provides manna for every day.

I have given into fear of not having enough 
when you are God who sees, 
and God who provides. 

You give me all I need and more.

You are the joy and life I’m missing.

I find it in the wilderness.
in your holy Sabbath.